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  • Dan Carney

Ellen Set To Buy Knicks, per reports

Updated: Aug 4


When current New York Knicks owner James Dolan heard of Ellen Degeneres’ tyrannical approach towards her employees, he knew he found his successor. 


“Every morning I have an intern read me the news while I tweet at Spike Lee from a burner account. The news about Ellen was the first to make me look up from my phone since Matt Lauer”, said Dolan. “I had to reach out to this man.” 


When he was informed that Ellen Degeneres is a woman, he said “well then how does she have a wife?”. 


Explaining sexuality to Dolan reportedly took 16 hours.


Many die hard Knicks fans have been pleading for Dolan to sell the team during his reign as the owner of the most mediocre and career-ending franchise in the NBA, but Jimmy Donuts had planned to stay put. “We will ban you for life”, he warns. “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again”. 


As for Degeneres, buying the Knicks offers her a chance to rebrand herself after an ugly fallout from daytime television. While her employees and coworkers have known about her toxic behavior for years, many of her fans were left perplexed. “No way, she’s so nice on TV”, said my mom. My dad refused to make a statement, simply saying “sounds good” before quickly getting dressed to go golfing. 


The deal is set to go through before Labor Day, 2020, as James Dolan has plans that weekend with former LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling. 




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